Many of our parents have always had a wrong understanding, and hope that children can always be happy. But the secret of a truly happy child (or a mentally healthy child) is not that you have to be happy all the time. Instead, you should be able to have self-recovery and the ability to cope with different emotions after experiencing various emotions. And many times, those difficult experiences, those sad and sad feelings are precisely the only way to cultivate children's willpower and resistance.
Studies have shown that children's ability to effectively cope with various emotions, also called self-regulation ability, is a key factor in future study, work and interpersonal communication, and also the basis of high emotional intelligence. This ability is not born, but needs to be acquired, and parents are undoubtedly the first teacher to learn this ability.
Parents must first understand each other
Why don't we stop when the child laughs, but once the child cries, we will immediately say, "Don't cry, don't be sad". As parents, we first need to understand that emotions are right or wrong. Love and hate, sadness and happiness, anger and peace have their rationality. We shouldn't pretend to separate these emotions first, and we want to deliberately let the children avoid certain emotions.
When we have a correct understanding of our emotions, we can teach our children how to cope with emotions, not to fear their emotions, but to welcome them. In the early days of the child, if we can help the child to understand all the emotions, then she is more capable of handling and controlling her emotions.
è´´ Label your emotions
We can think about it ourselves, the feeling that you were particularly angry when you were angry. For adults, we should not underestimate the impact of those strong emotions on children. The emotions of anger, sadness, depression, disappointment, etc. will make the child feel as if they have been swallowed up.
And the children don't know that these are their own emotions, just like our adults. They just feel that their hearts are blocked, and it is very uncomfortable to rely on crying to vent. This feeling of "do not know what is going on" will make the child feel terrible. If this is the case, our parents are still saying, "If you have a cry, don't cry," even more serious, "If you don't cry, you don't like you, don't want you." Doubt, she will blame her parents' evaluations on the emotions she is experiencing, and she will feel inferior or shy about certain emotions.
Therefore, the first step in helping children to understand these emotions is the parent's naming of the various emotions the child is experiencing. The reason why it is called "naming" is that it does not have emotional colors, not comments, but uses descriptive statements. This is critical. This is a very important message to the child: these emotions are normal. Give a few examples:
When D eats finger food, he can't get it. He will cry. I will say, "You can't get the food you want to eat repeatedly, you are very depressed!"
When her husband is going to work in Philadelphia every Monday morning, at first, Xiao D will not adapt to crying. I will hold her and say, "You are so sad, Dad is going to work, you can't bear it."
Xiao D had eaten dinner and wanted to go out to play. I refused and yelled. I would say, "You are very angry, you can't go out and play very angry."
This method is actually what we usually call "emotionality." But after the teacher pointed out this time, I realized that this step is so important.
▌ Don’t block the exit of your child’s emotional catharsis
We hope that those bad emotions are far from children, but we must know that if emotions are not released in the current environment, accumulating a certain degree in the body always requires finding ways to release them. This is also why if a child is asked by the parents for a long time, "No crying, don't call", there are usually two extremes, one is "external", such as venting through physical violence, such as hitting people; One is "advanced", the child's emotions are not recognized, she will feel that she is not right, so she becomes abnormally anxious and inferior.
In the past, when D is going to go to work, when D is crying, I will say, "Don't be sad, Dad will come back on weekends, Happy!" Teacher D pointed out that I said so, even if the small D cooperates to learn Smiled, but her mood is still there, and she has not been released. The correct way is to take a small D to the door, wave goodbye to Dad, and tell Xiao D, "Dad is going to work, you are very sad. We said goodbye to Dad, and then wait for Dad to come back later." At the moment of the door, Xiao D still cried, but her emotions were recognized and she found the exit of catharsis.
▌ teach children some ways to vent their emotions correctly
When children learn to recognize their emotions, as their language expression becomes more mature, it will be easier to adjust their emotions. I recently saw a 3-year-old girl at the playground. She said to her mother, I'm sad, I need a hug (I am so sad, I want a hug!) At that time, I was particularly surprised, such a small child. Not only can we express our emotions clearly, but also give solutions, which is what we call "high emotional intelligence".
But if the child is still not well expressed or her emotions are too intense, then we still need to teach some proper ways to vent to avoid hurting ourselves, hurting others, and destroying objects.
Drawing
This is the way D is often used. When she is particularly angry, I will give her a red crayon and a piece of white paper to guide her how angry she is. Every time she held the pen and painted it, I said calmly, "I am really angry! Too angry!" Then when she finishes painting, I will tell her that we are "angry" together. "Tear it off." For the age of the small D, perhaps she does not fully understand this meaning, and sometimes it may just be "distraction." But when she establishes such a connection, such a method will naturally become one of the ways she will vent in the future.
2. Solve problems with your child
As mentioned above, the small D is very frustrating when it is impossible to pick up the finger food by itself. The most effective way to deal with such emotional problems is to give the child some tips to inspire her to solve the problem in other ways. What needs to be noted here is that don't do it instead of the child. The reason why the child feels depressed is because she feels her own incompetence. If you do it instead of her, you can't let her realize the happiness of success. Her depressed mood did not help.
3. "Men's venting"
In extreme cases, when the child's emotions are too intense to be calmed down, they can also provide the child with a safe zone for the child to use "force to vent." Little D has not been used yet. My neighbor's 4-year-old boy sometimes uses it. His mother puts a few soft cushions on the corner of his house for him to squat on his feet. He also prepared several "pressure balls" for him. Allow him to step on and pinch. The central idea is that instead of letting the child vent to hurt himself, hurt others, or destroy the item, it is better to provide some safe places to let him vent.
Writing this, I can't help but sigh, the true meaning of parenting is to "compan" rather than "control", to accompany her to experience the experience, rather than to control her to become the "ideal person" in our heart, for the mood is like this This is true for all other aspects of parenting. Together with you, I will continue to cultivate and share!
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